I did not ask.

So, last night when the kids were finally in bed and semi-settled, I decided to postpone my nightly bath & reading routine to talk to my husband.  He had mentioned several weeks back some concern over the fact that we were connecting less and less.  This is a concern that I have as well.  During that conversation he had recalled as something positive a time where we had talked for a few minutes before I went to take my bath.  So, last night I thought I would be intentional to go and "shoot the breeze" for a while (even though it was already very late).  

We began talking about mundane stuff, sharing movie quotes, laughs and anecdotes from our day (DS#2 had removed door knobs again, annihilated his room to make a tent and several other pull-my-hair-out-but-I'm-glad-he's-curious types of things.)  

I did not realize that just under the surface of my heart was Fear and at the slightest provocation I was going to hyperventilate.  I actually thought how well the conversation was going and how good it was to be friends.  

My husband saw on open shoe box (that had been the hiding place of the aforementioned door knobs) and thus, the conversation was turned to shoes. Perhaps this article of clothing is a run-of-the-mill subject in most households. However, in our house, with foot and back and general skeletal-muscular conditions galore, the subject of shoes is enough to usually send me into the closet looking for my stuffed animal (A goose.  Named Clare, if you're wondering).  

It started out by me expressing frustration that I instruct, instruct, instruct DS#2 in several foundational truths several times a day (like lift the toilet seat before going potty, flush, etc.) and nothing I do ever seems to stick.  (I can already hear the desperation in my voice.)  I then continued to rant explain that even with DS#1, who is acting like knowledge I pass on is not worth retaining unless it is extremely interesting & relevant, is allowing my instruction to go in one ear and immediately find its exit in the other.  

Case in point:  his shoes.  The expensive ($120!!!) pair of tennis shoes I bought him a few months back are pretty much trash status now.  One reason - he treats them as slip-ons instead of taking the time to untie them when taking them off and tie them back when putting them on.  The heel of the shoes have a permanent crease where many times he wears them with his heel resting on top of the folded down shoe wall.  Then he complains of heel pain (usually when I have asked him to do something hinting at strenuous) and I have recently noticed him "peg-legging" it - walking without the proper toe-strike-roll-to-heel motion.  For some people that might not even be noticeable, but enter in the years of pain, doctors' appointments and physical therapy I have had on top of the now-permanent damage in my feet and peg-legging screams "DANGER! DANGER!".  

I began relating this to my husband and then the train was rolling and there was no stopping it.  I think I finally took a breath when I reached my son's middle-age years and how he wasn't going to be able to get a job because of permanent low-back damage.  (I did stop before he was in a wheel-chair though.  Progress, right?)  

I just sat there.  Stunned by how much had come out.  I had been carrying that all day?  Along with everything else?  Yep.  It was in the Mommy-Guilt Backpack along with around 2,347 other things.  No wonder my shoulders were hurting.  

I didn't say anything for a few minutes.  My husband responded with what I heard as, "Here.  It's easy.  Just do this..."  For the record, he did not say that.  For the record, he explained later that he was trying very hard to word his thoughts in a way that did not sound like "Just do this..."  For the record, our "friendly conversation" went downhill quickly.  

I will spare the details of the next 30 minutes, partly because brain fog kicked in and I truly do not remember what was said by either party and partly because the gist is - we experienced conflict.  Many times it is helpful to go back and pick through how the conflict started, what was said, what the other person heard, identify root sins/causes, etc.  However, it was very late by that point.  I decided last night's conflict was not something to spend the night crying about.  I went to take a bath.  He went to do something on his computer.  It was late.  We did not work it out.  

My prayer last night and this morning was for the Lord to show me my sin and how I should have responded differently.  I was coming up blank.  Until I got out the Mirror this morning during breakfast.  The Lord brought James 4 to mind.  I couldn't remember the whole passage, but I did remember James posing the question "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?"  Since that was the same question I was asking about the previous night's conversation, I thought it was a good place to start.  

[1] What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? [2] You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (James 4:1-2 ESV)

So, questions for me to ask my own heart:

1. What passions were at war within me?

2. What do I desire, but do not have?

3. What do I want that someone else has (covet) and can't get?

Those are really good questions to ask myself. I guess my answers would look like:

1. Passions - Fear, Desire for my children not to experience pain like I have

2.  Desire:  Children who listen and obey me.  Children who are healthy.  Children who are concerned enough about their health to take care of themselves.  Children who show respect to me and take care of the things I sacrifice to get them.  (This answer could probably go on for a few days.)

3.  Covet:  Answers.  To know what to do.  To know how to motivate my son to listen to me and take care of his things.

But it was really when I read the next part of verse 2 that the Holy Spirit said, "BINGO!"  

You do not have, because you do not ask.

Had I prayed about this burden I had been carrying all day?

 

Had I prayed each of the many times it came to mind?

Had I sought the Lord for wisdom in...

...responding to my son's attitude?

...what to do about his feet problems?

....how to think rightly and not be a slave to fear?

No.  I had not.  I mean, c'mon, this is a relatively tiny issue, right?  Not worth praying about.  Not worth seeking the infinite wisdom of an omniscient God over.  This is a problem that if I set my mind to, I should be able to solve.  It's shoes.  It's toilet ettiquette.  It's not like I'm asking for a cure to cancer.  

Turn it back one page.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. (James 1:5-6 ESV)

and then continue reading in chapter 4:

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6 ESV)

The whole conflict with my husband could have been avoided. The backpack could have been lighter. I could have entered the evening breathing normally. I could have responded without judgment when my husband posed a solution (interestingly, in verse 11-12 of James 4, he mentions this. Seems like He knows the human heart pretty well.)

Again, I am shown my lack of faith (that God can help in this situation), my pride (I should be able to figure this out on my own), and my unbelief (that God cares about even this).

But, I am trusting in this today and so, so grateful:

But he gives more grace.